QUICK EDITING EXERCISE
Challenge:
Take a real eDM you've received, and make any edits you think would improve it. You've only got 15 minutes! Highlight your changes and be prepared to present to the group.
ORIGINAL VERSION
Dear Angela,
Wandering around New Zealand’s only guide dog centre - it’s a joy to see the guide dog puppies and their parents.
Some of the pups are still wee little balls of cuddles. Busy exploring every nook and cranny. Excited by the sounds and smells around them. Others are older and roaring around playing joyfully.
As they grow, I see them in all kinds of intensive training – simple things like walking, sitting, staying and so on, right up to navigating complex obstacles with a blindfolded trainer.
<DONATE NOW>
As I watch some of the challenging tasks that a guide dog can do, I am reminded of just why it is so important that we get their training right.
Because a guide dog can be life changing for someone who needs their help.
25 year old Haley has had low vision from birth. She’s wanted a guide dog since she first met one when she was four years old.
Haley’s a determined person. She grew up sailing, riding horses, swimming - anything outdoors.
These days she’s enjoying tandem bike riding and she really wants to go to university.
Gifts from you and people like you have helped Haley achieve her goals to date.
But Haley would dearly love a guide dog. “It would just make me so much more independent,” she says.
A kind gift from you today could make the dreams of both a guide dog puppy and Haley come true.
<DONATE NOW>
Will you help Angela? Will you donate today to help another puppy grow up to be a guide dog, and help more Kiwis like Haley have the added independence a guide dog can give them?
Kind regards
(CEO name redacted)
15 MINUTE FIX VERSION
Dear Angela,
Wandering around New Zealand’s only guide dog centre, it’s a joy to see the guide dog puppies and their parents.
Some of the pups are still wee balls of cuddles, busy exploring every nook and cranny, excited by the sounds and smells around them. Others are older and roaring around, playing joyfully.
As they grow, I see them in all kinds of intensive training – from simple things like walking, sitting and staying, right up to navigating complex obstacles with a blindfolded trainer.
< PLEASE DONATE TODAY >
Angela, as I watch some of the challenging tasks that a guide dog must do, I am reminded of just why it is so important that we get their training right.
A guide dog can be life-changing for someone who needs their help.
Haley has had low vision from birth. She’s wanted a guide dog since she first met one when she was four years old.
She grew up sailing, riding horses, swimming - anything outdoors. Now twenty-five, Haley’s a determined person.
These days, she enjoys tandem bike riding. Soon, she aims to go to university.
Your gifts have helped Haley achieve her goals to date. Thanks to you, she's able to be an active participant in her own life.
A guide dog would be life-changing for Haley as she takes the next step. “It would just make me so much more independent,” she says.
A kind gift from you today could help a guide dog puppy reach its potential, and make Haley’s dreams come true.
< PLEASE DONATE TODAY >
Will you help, Angela?
Please donate today to help train another puppy, so New Zealanders like Haley can enjoy the independence a guide dog can give them.
Kind regards
(CEO name redacted)
P.S. If you’ve given recently - thank you! Your continued generosity is very much appreciated.